There's not enough therapy in the world

We have a family tradition. Every year, my mother drops off grocery bags of "stocking stuffers" with one of us kids and after the actual children go to sleep (or are banished to their rooms now that they are older) we sit around and laugh as we stuff the random assortment of crap into each others' stockings.

Past years, we have had stockings whose contents were purchased at the auto parts store, including heel guards for my sister and I (we own about a 3/4" of heels combined) and the little hammers you can use to break your windows if you accidentally drive into a lake. I have enough Crabtree & Evelyn to open my own store.

But she is never going to be able to top this year. This fall, mom went to Tuscany with her church for the second time. Last time she went, she brought me a frilly apron with olives on it, I guess to wear when I am making martinis before I serve dinner to my husband's boss and his wife. She has always bought us bags of pasta, I guess because my husband is Italian-American. Many a food bank has received apple-shaped pasta, shoe-shaped pasta, and even cat-shaped pasta. None of that prepared me for what I found in his stocking bag this year.

Yes. Penis-shaped pasta. In all the years of stocking stuffers, this is the first time there has ever been one shaped like a reproductive organ. I'm trying hard not to assume that either my mother thinks my husband is gay or this is the single least subtle hint ever that she wants grandchildren. Either way, pass the prozac-shaped pasta.

Click the picture for more penis pasta photos.

Total Pot Roast Domination

I basically used the same recipe I use to make my beef stew adapted to pot roast. Here's what I did.

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
   
2. Take the meat out of the package and season it well with salt and pepper on both sides. Let rest while you prep everything else.
   
3. In a big dutch oven, cook up 3 slices of bacon, sliced into small pieces.
   
4. Once the bacon is crisped up, take it out and throw the meat in. leave it alone until it has developed a nice sear, then flip it and do the same on the other side.
   
5. Once it is good and browned all over, take the meat out and throw in some big chunks of onion (I actually used shallot b/c that's what I had), carrot, celery, a whole head of garlic (peeled in individual cloves), some more salt, a handful of whole black peppercorns, some dried thyme and some fresh sage leftover from Thanksgiving that really needed to be used up.
   
6. Give the veggies a few minutes to get going, then toss in whatever leftover red wine you happen to have. In this case, I had about a cup and a half of some nice Greek Demestica red.
   
7. Let the wine work on all the stuff on the bottom of the pan and scrape up what doesn't come up on its own.
   
8. Put the meat back in (with all the juices that have accumulated on the plate).
   
9. Pour on one carton of good, low sodium beef stock and enough water to cover the meat.
   
10. Bring it to a full boil on the stove then cover it and chuck it in the oven for 2.5 hours.
    
11. After 2.5 hours goes by, take the pot out and put the meat on a plate so you can decant the liquid to a bowl and strain out all the solids.
    
12. Put the strained liquid back on the stove and put the meat back in. I threw some sliced mushrooms in for flavor at that point.
    
13. Leave it on a low simmer while you make the potatoes/carrots/whatever you want to go with the meat.
    
14. I had some of those tiny Yukon golds, which I either cut in thirds or halves, and some sliced cremini mushrooms. I cranked the oven up to 350 degrees and threw them in a roasting pan with some olive oil and a few good spoonfuls of the strained jus. I guess it took about 15-20 minutes for them to brown.
    
15. Serve the meat and veg in bowls with plenty of the reduced jus to moisten it up.
    

That was it. It really couldn't have been simpler.